Without being indelicate, how do I describe a situation involving some very personal moments that should only happen in private that do in fact happen for all the world to hear!
Have a colonoscopy and you will know exactly what I am referring to.
So there I was blissfully enjoying my sedation. The procedure was finished and the Hubs was patiently waiting for me to wake up.
The nurse jostles me briefly and instruct me to try to expel some of the …you now what…
Well any true southern girl will tell you, we have had generations of training on exactly how to avoid that situation completely!
All I can tell you is that there are times when the body needs to do things that supersede a girls desire to protect the illusion of femininity.
After one such expelling situation I heard from across the room…"That was a good one!”
I was sound asleep and it was so loud that it woke me up y’all!
I opened my eyes and saw a wonderfully pleased smirk on the hubs face. I promptly close my eyes again as to avoid any further humiliation.
All joking aside the procedure went very well. The before preparations were a bit unpleasant but you can’t have one without the other. I will say that the solution they gave me to drink has improved by leap and bounds. I have had to do similar preparations before and this one was by far the most endurable that I have experienced! Aside from the sheer volume, it was one full gallon of liquid! It was a clear, it had no grit in it at all. It had a very light sweet taste, but it was also a bit salty. It reminded me of a sports drink. I will be completely honest and tell you that the first half of the gallon was a piece of cake. The second half of the gallon was another matter all together. It was a little harder going down from about the half way point! Thankfully the instructions did allow for a bit of slaking off so I was able to lengthen the time between dosages. This did make it a bit more tolerable but it also meant that I did not totally finish my prep until almost 9:30 P.M.. And when they tell you not to stray too far from the bathroom….trust me they mean not to get to far from the bathroom.
Needless to say I was clean as a whistle and ready for the procedure on Monday morning.
As I recovered at home nursing my coke and enjoying a bowl of chicken noodle soup I began to ponder several things. First I had to wonder what draws a person to specialize in a field of medicine in which the focus is exploring the less than desirable parts of the human body? Hmmmmmm…one can only guess. Second, I thought about the lovely woman who was praising me for my outstanding performance in auditory bodily functions. “How was your day today honey?” ….What does she tell her family at the end of the day? Does she tally up a total for the day? Does she rate them by sound, clarity or their ability to echo? Does she keep score, who’s was the loudest, the longest, the most resonate? Was my “emission” the best one of the day? (I have decided that for self esteem issues I am sue that my submission was one of the better entries of the day!)
All good questions…for which I have no good answer.
Everyone one on staff at the Endoscopy Center I went to were wonderful and very professional. The technician that worked with the doctor stood by my side the entire time with her hand on my shoulder reassuring me. It was a bit strange being in that place of being asleep but not being asleep. I had moments when I was aware of things going on like feeling her hand on my shoulder. I did not feel a thing related to the colonoscopy other than one or two moments of some slightly uncomfortable pressure that lasted only a few seconds. All in all it was a bit of a non issue.
On the plus side it was some really good sleeping once I got home. I have no idea how long the procedure took, nor do I remember the ride home in the car. Once I got home the hubs poured me a coke, set it on the table next to me, I laid down on the sofa and then I woke up and it was past 2:00 PM.
That was GOOD SLEEPING!
If I could only sleep that well without the drugs!
So if you have never had a colonoscopy, well my experience was relatively mild. I am thankful that they have the technology to explore certain parts of the human anatomy and I am also glad that it is done and behind me.
What can I say…Just trying to keep it real for all y’all! And a colonoscopy followed by an award wining session of breaking wind are as real as it gets in my book!