No warm fuzzes tonight. I have my house to myself finally. Everyone is asleep and I have a moment to myself.
My accountability sisters and I have spoken about this many times. When you experience an extended period of emotional turmoil it becomes very similar to having a chronic illness. As I again digest this latest episode of turmoil and pain with my rebellious son I have to wonder what will come next.
I m not looking forward to the next ten days (get a job or get another place to live, after five plus weeks of sleeping until 11:30 and little progress in the employment front we have as per usual had to hold his feet to the fire and actually hold him accountable for his actions) It would not matter if was the next thirty days for the result would not be any different.
My conflict comes in wanting the tension, animosity, deceit and disrespect out of my home and wanting peace. My heartbreak at the grieving I am experiencing at the prospect of the life and the potential he is spitting on is at times more than I can bear.
I pray and my sisters in Christ pray.
I call my sisters and they listen to me weep over my heartbreak and still the situation remains the same.
You see I know that when I am weak He is strong
I know that weeping may last for a night but joy will come in the morning
I know that when he comes to his senses he will return to us.
I know this and I believe it with all my heart.
But for right now at this moment I feel as Job must have felt sitting in the dust with his festering skin and expressing his painful situation
JOB 7:3 so I have been allotted months of futility,
and nights of misery have been assigned to me.
JOB 7:4 When I lie down I think, `How long before I get up?'
The night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
I love the psalms for they so capture all the good and all the sorrow of life in perfect detail.
PS 31:9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
and then my promise that I cling to when I can not cling to anything else
PS 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
I pray that tomorrow will be a better day.
Today it hurts to me a mother.