An Internal Dialogue: “No animals (or humans) were harmed in the writing of this post”

It started very early, before I even got out of bed.

My thought life was going places it just did not need to go. As it does from time to time I woke with thoughts of doom and gloom. Thoughts that no mother ever wants to ponder upon. I lay there for several minutes allowing the thoughts to weigh heavy upon me, then I recognized it for what it was.

Away from me Satan, it’s Sunday and I need to get ready for church.

The evil one is persistent.

It was a series of very small things, however it was just enough to shift my mood, my thoughts to a place where they should not have been.

I got myself ready for church, I was ready to go, purse on my shoulder and the Girlchild points to my chin and announces “You have a GIANT white hair right there!”

From the look on my face she then follows with “Well it’s better than waiting to point it out to you at church!”

I concede to her logic and redeposit my purse and other things to the counter and go on a hair plucking mission.

We managed to hit every red light on the way to church, now I am hating street lights and being law abiding.

It continued as we walked across the church parking lot. I notice that one of my friend looks very nice today. Do I complement her? That would be a big no. Internally I think how very coordinated she is today. Her Capri's and strappy sandals match and she even ties it all together with a coordination necklace. Very nice. I am now hating her for being so thoroughly put together and berating myself for my lack of the accessorizing gene.

We get on the elevator and hit the button for the third floor.

The door closed and begins to rise up, ding the door open and I realize that we are on the second floor. The children's floor. An older couple get on. I am guessing that they have dropped their grandchildren off. Now I am irritated that we had to actually stop at the second floor to allow these folks to get on. Now I am hating them and all children too boot!

Finally we get to the right floor.

We walk into the sanctuary and my normal spot on the front row is filled with strange people. Now I am hating all these strangers, and hating myself for being inflexible.

I ease down the isle to an available row about midway back. One of my fellow church members tries to make a joke about joining them in the back. Well I began to hate them for their comment.

I guess by this point my internal thoughts were now seeping out of me like a cloud of toxic waste.

One of me sweet church friends gently leans over and whispers in my ear “Are you alright?”

I guess my cranky was not so internal after all.

I take a deep breath and whisper back that yes, I am alight, I just have my cranky on.

Any woman in my age bracket seems to understand that sometime ya just aren't feeling it.

Well I sat there during worship trying to soak up some good. Trying to allow my surroundings seep into me and wash away all the ill humor.

One of the realities I am certain of is that one of the evil ones favorite places in church.

Oh and all those strangers in the front row….they were baptizing a baby. Double hating myself for hating them…

I would love to share that the light dawned, that the sermon spoke to me, that there was a miraculous internal shift.

The reality is that thankfully I was able to control my tongue and not verbally bite someone head off. I practice the tried and true Thumper philosophy. If you can’t say anything nice don't say anything at all.

Y’all want to know what the sermon was on?????

GRACE…

Y’all I certainly did not deserve to here a word of grace today. I had no love for just about anyone yet God’s Grace was the topic du jour.

So what is my take away?

Having just comprehended the previous sentence and acknowledging how completely accurate it really is.

I did not deserve to here a word of grace. I no not deserve GRACE in any form or fashion. I certainly did not deserve anything with my internal nasty going on.

Yet there it was….GRACE!

I DON’T DESERVE IT, YET I HAVE IT!

I am yelling at me not y’all!

Somebody need to be yelling at me!

Oh that’s right I was at CHURCH hearing a word on Grace.

God disciplines those He loves …or for today places a message of GRACE before the red light, coordinated Capri's and sandals, second floor getter on’ers and baby baptizer hating person like me….

I feel like I need to post an addendum to this post like they do in movie credits.

“No animals (or humans) were harmed in the writing of this post”

 

It’s been a few hours since I got home from church. I administered a BLT made with thick cut bacon and some good home grown tomatoes with a heaping side of Frito's.

For today I really am thankful for a word on Grace and BLT’s!

I will pray for more control over my internal dialog and I will continue to seek discernment for when the evil one tries to turn my small stumbling blocks into huge boulders.

 

 

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

 

 

R