I have to share with all of you that I am in an unusual pace. For so long all I wanted was some peace and quiet. All I wanted was for the anxiety and the tension to be removed from my home. Thoughts like “I just want him out of my home!” would be daily occurrences’ in my conversations. Immediately after these kinds of thoughts I would feel like a horrible mother. But it did not make it any less true.
After a while the well of your motherly compassion runs a bit dry after you have been verbally abused, taken advantage of and lied to for the millionth time. Your motherly compassion tends to be placed on the back burner when you find revolting reading material hidden under the sofa in his room. Your motherly compassion is beginning to run on fumes with every new lie or new situation you see him enter into that you find questionable or heartbreaking.
But here is the strange part. For as much as I wanted the turmoil and deceit that his presence brought into our lives to be removed, I find that now that he is out on his own, I have this strange sense of longing for just a small glimpse of him.
But then not really. I want to see him, but I know that the moment I lay eyes on him my stomach will begin to churn and I will begin to search for the latest piercing or tattoo.
So how can I long for him to be gone from my home but yearn to see for myself if he is OK. I’m a mom, that’s how!
His birthday is next week, I have a gift for him in my sitting room. Does he deserve it, no, but I have one anyway. Will he appreciate the gesture, probably not, yet I could not let the occasion of his birth go unrecognized. It is wrapped and ready, however given the fact that he has no real job and his phone has been disconnected I may not be able to give it to him. I was fine as long as I had the illusion of being able to contact him, now that I have no way to make a connection with him I find that my imagination has run amuck.
The old saying “Out Of Sight Out Of Mind” really is true. I do very well as long as I do not stop to think about my son.
I was good through the entire Sunday school lesson today and then we circled up to pray and I just lost it. My husband asked everyone to pray for our son and the tears just welled up within me and I wept as I listen to him share about our attempts to invite our son for a birthday celebration only to find his phone disconnected.
I was good until I started to think about him. I was good until I was not good. I was in my safe and loving environment, God’s house. I did not need to hold it together with my brother and sisters in Christ, they are my first line of defense when it comes to praying for my son.
So “Out Of Sight Out Of Mind” may be true some of the time. It may be true while I am folding towels and watching the food network, it may be true while I am balancing my checkbook and paying my bills. I can day after day fill my head with busyness, but when I am in the process of worship, when I am seeking wisdom with fellow brothers and sisters as we search out the truth of God’s word somehow “Out Of Sight Out Of Mind” no longer applies.
I am so thankful that “Out Of Sight Out Of Mind” never applies to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He is our Jehovah-Roi, the God who sees me. I am never out of His sight nor out of His mind.
My son may be running from God, but I know that God’s Heavenly eyes are upon him at all times.
Even when I do not know where my son is or what he is doing God sees him very clearly.
Even when I am blissfully absorbed in the daily runnings of life and I am intentionally not thinking of my son and have let the “Out Of Sight Out Of Mind” sweep me away I know that God is standing in the gap.
God has His eyes on him!